so... a few months down the line and the girl thing is over... well, she's over with me anyway and feels too dead to date. she's miserable, makes me miserable and then says we're incompatible. no, we're not incompatible you're just a miserable bitch sometimes, more often than not these days. maybe i make her miserable. whatever.

school is hard now because of this. i'm feeling parts of me shut off that she reactivated in me, the parts of me that want to work hard and succeed. now all i want to do is kill my mind with sportscenter and world series of poker reruns. fuck. i bombed this test today in english. i should have been up studying. i should have gone to class on time. i did neither of these thigns.

i wish this could mean nothing to me, that i could just say 'well, it was only a couple of months and there WERE issues so whatever' but i've never been able to divorce from my feelings nor let logic and reason be their motor.

i'll pass this semester well, hopefully all A's unless this test fucked my lit grade into a B. Maybe the fresh start and hopefully more interesting classes next term will serve to reengage my engine. one can only hope. i used to go over to her house every night and want to do homework, we'd do homework together and it helped give me a good vehicle for being responsible. i'm not sure i can do that on my own yet. at least not consistently. i need o find some friends to study with later in the night i guess.

actually, i need to find some friends in general.. i only really have one good friend at school right now.. though i am branching out and finding more recently it's not where it needs to be to keep me from going insane. plus my grandmother a. drives me fucking up the walls and b. is really ill, so i'm supposed to be an angel and just put up with it, which tbqh i haven't really been doing. STRHESS!!!!!

i think i'm gonna go binge eat or something. no class tomorrow and nothing to do tonight.. fuck my life sucks without rebecca... even if all i had to do before was watch SVU and Criminal Intent... it felt okay because i was with her. everything ended wrong, and everything feels wrong and my head is fucked. all i can do is watch tv and internet porn... what the hell is wrong with me. this feels like HS and my bad days of florida all over again.

well.. i suppose a lot of things really, if any of you bother reading the headlines before the body. which you really rather should when i write, because half the fun is being as obtuse and poigniant as possible in a single sentence at the beginning of your post, right?

i don't know. i'm in a good mood. really good. i have begun to shed my skin and i feel right. confident, sincere... i'm dropping some parts of my ego in place of others. it reminds me of this Used song i know..

"i'm the cleanest i have ever been.
i feel big, i feel tall, i feel dry

DRY!!!!"

granted that song is supposed to sort of attack this sentiment he feels, but i feel it sincerely (omg, my boss at work was in bye bye birdie too, i had to sit through 'we love you conrad' and 'you gotta be sincere' in the car on the way out to canvass one day.. it was heartbreaking)

so to laundry list because it's easier;

i'm going back to school in a program i want to be in working towards a future i respect and want to succeed in.
i don't feel the need to be high every waking second of my life.
i've found a girl that really likes me, and she's pretty awesome herself.
i have direction, purpose, and desire.

so yeah.. i feel good. and now school, which is exactly where i thought i WOULDNT want to be at the end of high school. i had been slowly burning out for a while. i had no idea what i wanted, who i wanted to be or how i wanted to acheive it. i'm getting an idea of it now, and i'm beginning to like myself for it and believe in my own cause. and fuck those that don't, because they don't matter. i SO lost sight of that in florida, where you have to be so self aware that as long as you can sell yourself it doesn't really matter who you are.

interesting side note of how much i DIDN'T belong there. after hs, i had a pretty decent dating life, didn't go longer than probably a month without a gf. when i moved to florida, i did not find ONE girl who would go out with me, just someone to fuck.

i moved up here, and i've found a few girls that have showed nominal to real interest. i'm not beating them off with sticks or anything, what is so different about me from a few months ago? well... i'm not hideously depressed i guess, lmao. i don't know. all i can say is i will never suggest south florida for anything other than a place to blow cash and have a blast.... oh, and get good drugs. i didn't even do most of them, but you grow to learn things.. and yeah. excluding psychotropics (which makes sense, hippies are waaaaayyy out of fashion from palm beach to south beach) if you want it you can get it, it'll be strong, and it'll be expensive. whoopdefuck.

well.. i'm off. i hope everyone is faring well. i feel like i just came out of a 4 year storm, like rain after a forest fire. it's bizarre, and almost zen like. as if i know what zen is like, rotf.

later my men. i carried you with me in FL, it was the only thing that kept my ego intact. now i hope to share in a much bigger and brighter future.

yours truly
aldino.

why do all my worst and whiney rants occur here on the comfort of LJ? not sure.. but here comes another one

i'm feeling really... off these days. broken.. like something in my manner of function has twisted and stripped off at the gears... lol i have this moments in time where it's like my transmission slips or something...

i'm supposed to meet up with someone late at her parents', she's waiting up for me come 'round the back door kind of thing (not sexual, incognito (aka IN-CON-SPIC-UOUS). i'm standing out there knocking on doors and windows for 15 minutes, no answer. i get home, 'where were you?' and all that crap.. can't get her any more than stupid wall posts on ye ol facebook... agchk! why do some of the most rudimentary elements of daily life like making arrangements, keeping them, and finding ways to share yourself and efficently communicate with others end up being these daunting challenges? what mindless self-destruction do i throw upon my path by foolishness, irresponsibilty and setting myself for failure and what's just truly bad circumstance? where the fuck are all my marbles?

....

shit.

i really don't know. i overreact to things too.. there's something to be said about not dwelling on the action and rather learning from consequence but you have to ask how long am i going to be doing the lab in the school of hard knocks.. because i'm ready to move on to theory.. i'm tired of learning about how to do things by failing at them miserably.... there's got to be a better way.

i can't wait for school, to get a chance to be doing anything again that feels like it's purposeful, i've been missing that for a long time. i think i need that, i don't remember the last time i felt really challenged or prepared to undertake something of this nature, even if it is only community college to start off with :D

the hapless romantic turned hapless,
aldino.

wow, that icon is almost obscenely emo now that i've looked at it.

anyway.. a little update. david this weekend, was really cool to get to go out there, see the parents' Sanborne (and consistently less little Tommy) and of course the venerable harry potter himself (sorry, couldn't resist) i actually had a good little time at our obscenely long dinner where we all (yes, ALL) were subjected to speech-making by all the members of the sanborne-krane dynasty... david.. you have too many relatives.

on the way back ohme i nearly shat my pants as i saw 4 different cop cars pull off the ramp on to the highway and pull over essentially everybody that WASN'T me in the vicinity.. actually one was right on my tail for about 20 fit until he slipped into the next lane and pulled the guy next to me over instead. i actually saw the first one come off the ramp as i was passing by, and then noticed someone ahead on the road already pulled over. they just kept coming... car after copcar passed by me after my tail... this of course was completely exacerbated by the fact that I brought my bowl with me for fun happy time during the driving portion of my roadtrip.

i'm smoking a hell of a lot less recently... i've spent 35 bucks this month on the ganj... i'm actually pretty impressed with myself on that front. i'll have to re-up before my upcoming 9-day assault on the North country (that'd be the adirondacks, not canada) because my grandmother is driving me absolutely fucking crazy and i will either jump out of a window or throw her in front of a bus without chemical stress-relief.

ok... what the hell is wrong with this country and providing general services and expediency over the phone? in FL, i spent huge swaths of time without cable internet because adelphia/comcast phone service is the absolute biggest atrocity of customer service i've ever had the misfortune of coming in contact with. no matter how many times they fuck up, no matter how many times you call, no matter how long you stay on the phone, no matter how far up the fucking tech tree you get, the exact same thing happens; you get a guy who has no case history on your situation coming to your house in the order that your call was received to do the same fucking thing the last guy did. at one point i had 8 trucks to my house in a 6 week period.. all without web.

now, i'm dealing with wachovia's student loan branch. in order to get back into school, i need to get my loans from FAU out of default and in positive status w/ Wachovia. to do that, i can either pay them my past-due balance (about 1/2 of what i owe them) or i can apply for economic hardship deferrence and go get more loans once that clears. the issue is.. their fucking call center is in the west indies, they have no manner of fast track or the ability to contact the same person twice, and you pretty much can get no usable information out of htese people. the ups store fucks up my fax, doesn't send my paystubs with. 3 days processing the first fax to tell me that. so i get the information resent. the girl gives me a special fax #.. apparantly to get it in quicker. when i call to see if htey received it... it was the general fax line i sent it to and once again... 48-72 buisness hours! fuck!!!!! i understand why all the transcendentalist moved out to the fucking woods.. if these people all want to live like fucking caged animals to survive i'd rather have no part in it at all than try to fix it for everyone... jeezus! actually, that's not entirely true, the fight is still in me but i grow to understand that viewpoint more and more every day.

alright, some of the things on my mind currently. thank you for tuning in, ttyl biatches!

xdeardorfx
pure american trollcore

long evening with my existential ghetto friend and lesbian crush.. here are my thoughts:

i believe we reap
from the seeds that we sow
and human potential is tantamount to none.

a constant need to communicate
is how the project's been done.

tho truth is
we subjugate ourselves and others
in the name of social constructs
lost in the fog
we'll forget the faces of our mothers

in the name of safety and benefit
we quarantee all we cannot understand
in the name of public interest
we let men take all that they can.

forgotten; we're brothers and sisters
agents of the greater good.
what we do is not for nothing.
history's hands are covered in blisters
bad backs and struggle
long, winding tracks that confuddle
shed blood and and justices won
and each time things get just a little better.

creatures driven in the search for comfort and serenity
desperate for answers no modern logic may provide.
hellbent on definite survival
content to just abide
no thought of why suffering is perpetuated
crimes against one are against us all
tragedy should be commiserated.

cynicism creeps deep in the minds of humanity
stripped down to bare emotion
slashed through and bit hard.
silent sight of humanity betrayed
can only be acknowledgement and acquiesence.
ignorance feeds naked lies
and the mass runs to duck and cover.
reality seeths and we attempt to visualize
the hidden lines with this limited mind's eye
desperate for a reason no human mind can provide.

i choose to search for a human truth
though i love our journeys into the abstract
there is no answer for human contact.
the evolution of thought
the voice of information
only unity will set us free.

i believe in truth between woman and man
creatures that roam and slither in the sands
we all have a need to belong,
to share love and not die alone,
feel pain, grief
joy and relief
and experience continues to show that
humanity is within us all. just as evil
can be perpetuated
our hatred is just search for answers why.
excuses when we don't want to try
(naturally)tiring of being led on
of hearing the same damn 10 songs
2 news stories and 3 themes
it can seem this whole thing is perpetually fucked!
god don't we believe we're smarter than this?

but lost in the static is honesty and change
valor and ingenuity and the knowledge that nothing has to stay the same

we come from a line where brutality was king
where the strong survive and alpha was emphasized.
control wrested necessary for the greater good
becoming corrupted and unclean as it always would.
there is no replacing innocense
and not everything can be rebuilt
emotion and life have value
no matter no matter no matter
how hard we attempt to rebuke this
everprescent thought.

we were slaves and property
serfs and servants
now citizens and leaders
interested in social service.

we work tireless hours tho
know not quite the reason why,
toiling to useless endeavors
evident in consumption of empty pleasures
produced by those who would rather you forget
how few all this bloodsweat will benefit

let the rat out of the cage
he won't look for a wheel to run in
show me the way out of dead-end jobs
and i'll show you which way i'm goin'

i believe we want to learn how to fish
not just consume the tender flesh.
we can only rely on each other
or death blows through on a whim;
nature is sink or swim
do not forget the faces of our mothers.

and through false idols of coin and power
dignity is personified into things
we can touch and feel.
herein becomes tie:
powers that be know the danger of self-worth
the respect and understanding that makes societies work
are not compatible with global domination
community communication explanation:
we need each other.
veneration exhoneration get to the point!
the battle has just begun

i see in my dreams
global understanding
it's why we sing, write
dream and fight
to see everyone is brought along.
privaledge and responsibility
like melody and harmony;
the simple turn of emotion and logic.

wow, so i'm updating my LJ. i haven't in a year come august, which is about what i expected. and it's for the better erally. i shouldn't have been using LJ as a TOTAL bitchpost about how much i hated my life :P

anyway, i'm in NY now as you prolly know. albany area. going to school this fall (yay!) work for an environmental nonprofit agency, canvassing for memberships. 3 days vegetarian. falling for my second consecutive lesbian (who i'm pretty sure is bi and unable to admit it to herself, i feel sorry for people who think you have to be one or the other)

this is on the short side, i have errands to runand shit to do befre work. anyway.. i'm back. will likely be updating semi-regularly. will actually be reading friendposts. perhaps even somewhat pronounced in your lives again. rejoice, fear, take note and continue on, do whatever it is you do. but also know.

i'm really tired of myspace, LOL. and florida, and much of the people i met there. and i knew it would be that way when i left.

tho as my mom once told me, sometimes all being right about the world means is that grim satisfaction in the knowledge that you WERE right.. nothing more. if your expectations were really that low, does knowing really make anything better?

okies lads, i'm off.

hasallam alekum (brutal spelling i know, but i'm feeling lazy)
dino.

okay boys and girls, i'm here in ny having a decent time.

the weather is nice, i guess the heatwave broke right before i got here. it's warm, but not florida. evenings are especially nice, it's a lot of fun being outside without sweating ALL THE TIME.

but here is the deal my friends and followers, i may be moving here soon. very soon, and it's less like maybe and more approximate to likely. i have nothing but debt and dead end jobs in s. fla, i've never really liked the state or the weather, and only my friends and family make me want to stay. FAU won't be an option, it'll take me too long to get my full round of Measels and Rubella vaccinations, i won't be able to register for classes until after school starts. (i need 2 rounds, 28 days apart)

i am tired down to my very being of struggling just to live, to work only to be broke and to bury myself in vice just to get by. i shouldn't have to steal candybars from CVS for dinner, and i have had to. i need to get my life straight, and it's gone nothing but awry in florida. that being said i'm fully aware of the fact that a change of scenery won't change me, but having free lodging and to be fed will help my economic situation enough that college won't be an outright struggle of the soul, but instead something less stressful and (hopefully) more rewarding, ultimately.

i want you all to come see me, i will miss you dreadfully. hopefully by this winter or so we'll have my cabin fully repaired and furnished, i won't be going to school until next year while i establish residency so i should be able to make time to entertain. my mom is staying in fla, my sister is still there, and i will be back for a while (until somtime in september, i 'm thinking of pulling a charlie and being homeless and bumming around until Family Values on 9/20) so you'll definitely see me again, fret not.

anyway, i obvoiusly have a lot of mixed feelings about this entire situation. i love all of you and there's a part of me that wants to continue to struggle on down there but my prospects are slim and i still don't even have an apartment or ideal roomate situation.

anyway, a forewarning i suppose.

<3,
Dino-kun.

i swear to god, the only reason i even keep blogs anymore is to have a public forum for my poetry. anyway, something i have been working on today:

i'm sure you'll remember that first real conversation
as the people flitted in and out
in a lunchroom cafeteria as the afternoon faded out

and i'm sure you'll remember evenings full
of jested words and philosophical play
dry spells between meetings, months between the days.

you'll remember eye contact and gestures
hugs and shrugs
that first confession that fit me like a glove.


you'll remember how others hurt you
how you made sure to keep me there
you'll remember that no-one's trustworthy
so you'll cling to the ones who care.


I remember our first meeting
what you wore and what we spoke
the fall of your hair and the weight of your clothes.

i remember never forgetting
you behind the desk and in control
i saw through your eyes to the reflection of my soul.

in my mind i see parking lots
i see connection through the world of the mind
i remember the electricty you will always trigger in my spine

you'll remember other choices
and hurt i'll never know
you probably think it was a good idea
to leave me on my own.

i'll remember when my heart broke,
and a second time after that,
and i'll also remember the third time
i said i'll take another crack.

maybe i don't know better,
maybe we're better off
but you wanted more and kept settling for less
and i'm not content with either parties' loss.

you know how others can hurt you
and i know how i could make you feel
but reason just can't comprehend
what makes those others feel so real

so i get invited to a party that's right up my alley, nerd theme, friend of my crush (who also happens to be hot). but it's a theme party, i can't find any of my nerd gear, and it's supposed to be a potluck, so i decide to blow it off, get high and go to a movie. i end up going to the movie i said i didn't want to see no matter what (MI:3) because it was the only one showing late and fell asleep during the movie.

got a call from rivkah to find out not only was she there (which i wasnt entirely expecting, she's not much of a nerd) but only she and her friend dressed (and she dressed in a SCHOOL GIRL OUTFIT GAH!) and nobody brought food but alcohol, but that it was a general blast and that i should have come.

i knew the moment i blew it off i was going to regret doing so.

i do this shit all the time and end up doing lame crap that i hate.

maybe it really is time to quit smoking.

ugh, anyway, i'm at work and need to finish rma orders for the store.

just thought i'd do my once a month share.

later,
dino.

i'll have to second david's surprise at this one... you wonder what goes into their reasoning sometime.

Aldino took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offe..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

the statement i am making needs to be prefaced by discussion of an eariler conversation, so i'll cut right to that.

last week i had rivkah over for movies n fun. we had a nice time, talked for a bit and finally had a deeper conversation about where we stood. before we really got into what i really felt and what i'm going through, she mentioned she's seeing (but not dating- her words not mine) some guy and she was just really confused. we are friends, but we both are terribly attracted to each other and we know it. so i told her this:

i am, will, and always will be her friend. but we know we have something, something worth exploring, something that could be fucking incredible.

i went on and shmoozed and shmalzed for a while, and we left on a very good but still undecided note. i learned things about her i would never have learned if the interest wasn't there, and i know i planted seeds firmly that i can only hope and pray will take root and grow.

fast forward to last night.

went to a local show, a bunch of her friends are there. one guy was veeery friendly with her. whatever, friend statement stands firmly both internally and externally (she really is one of the most important people to my sanity i have down here, and besides the dude is awesome and if i have to lose out to someone, better him than some insufferable douchebag). my theory is based more on just their interaction however, about 1/2 way through the night she gets really mopey and internalized. now, i don't know everything that goes on in her life, it'd be arrogant of me to think so, but i do know that issues with her and this guy (and now me as well) have been ever-present on her mind and i figure us being there probably triggered something.

or i could be totally wrong. but i don't think i am. it's hard to say exactly how i feel about all this, because it will be hard for me to see her with another guy, all truths told. but this is what i signed up for, so i guess i'm gonna have to deal with it. sorta like the marines ya know... semper fi and all.

anyway... it was an interesting night last night.

this is something i've been wanting to rework for a while, lemme know what you think.

there's a light shining through
that adds depth and definition
to everything we do
a hope of guiding force
without hate, sin or remorse

when we close our eyes
or pull the blinds
it leaves us grey and distant
we don't realize
to our demise
hearts don't heal in an instant.

but there's a tide that runs from me to you
a pulse a push
a wax and wane
that life itself cannot carry away.
a gentle summer shining through
that turns these grays to greens and blues.

far off in the cool and deep
we sit and wait for the prayers we keep
but there's more than hope for the break of dawn.

as we sit and watch the light shine through
i hold my breath and think of you
and know i'll always believe in bygones

under a hold that will cannot shatter
beyond the mold of mind and matter
is the struggle that becomes the standard-
that simple task of holding back
the weight of fear of all that we lack
the insecurities that leave us battered

broken

and torn

and as we struggle on we cope-

the healing process that's just begun
the battle of life not halfway won
the rattle of strife not wholly undone
the cackle of menace not fully unspun-
the shackling grimace of sullen resistance
to love and life vs soul and pride
cannot outweigh the stars at night
or the sofly looming splintered light.

there exists a tide between you and I
unspoken and brittle,
the silent kind of guy
who sits and idles with spray in his eye
knowing now is no time to die.

push on and burn bright
become more and do it right;
worry if you will and be aware
the spark won't die at the close of the night.

for there's a tide that runs from me to you
maybe you've heard?
a mark, a brand
of head and heart
that life itself cannot carry away.
....and i wouldn't have it any other way.

because i have nothing better to:



yeah... this looks scarily like me these days

time to rant monthly about the same thing.. over and over and over and oaver again.

i don't know why i have this thing, maybe i just like repeating myself (granted, considering the VtM games we used to have that were basically an excuse to chronicle other VtM games we had previous to said game maybe that's not a completely unfair assumption)

sort of like how dave chapelle like's getting high w/ white people b/c we always like to talk about other times we got fucked up (btw, so ridiculously true it's not even funny).

i want to be happy, i want to be content, but i am at sea and the whale approaches. i see gray and flash and taste the spray bitter and dry in the back of my throat. the turmoil of last month has come to rest again this month as my relationship has renewed w/ my best girl-friend and nothing changed. including my feelings, including her aloofedness, including all the touching and cuddling and blushing and flirting and deserting... i'm so tired. but there's a bullheaded part of me that refuses to give up the goat, for the reason that my frustration has boiled in my failures as a guy to attract a girl to let someone who gets so close get away without being more than a friend. because we connect on such a base level it seems like almost part of my ego won't let this go and let us just be friends. i can't be content with having a friend that treats me like her gay best friend... it's too hard. and i'm not gay, so it's not like i get to go home and have a romp w/ my lacrosse playing boyfriend to relieve the stress when i go home.. i get to sit in my car with the music off and pine pine pine...

pining is must masturbation for the heart. and just like masturbation, too much is unhealthy (at least in my mind.) how much is too much? dunno, but i'm sure i've crossed the border.

and she has no time for anything. so what, i get her and then don't ever have access to her? am i not going to go nuts when she continues to keep me at arms length? am i not going to struggle with my co-dependant needs trying to maintain an adult and responsible relationship. do i really have it in me to even do what i want? am i just being a selfish child not considering the circumstances enough to see the hands in front of my face instead of the beauty they behold?

it would seem as such.. but then we're together and it's like the universe melts and i'm a different person... and i like who i am so much better when i'm with her than away. she brings out a part of me that i'd almost considered dead, and it's something that no-one else down here provides me. maybe that's why i adore her so, because she lets me be who i want to be, with only the preconceptions i pile upon myself (because let's face it, we all hide SOMETHING from everyone).

so what is it? what is it to be? is the girl who told me she could see us being together and that she nearly jumped me on the spot still there, or is this the same girl who told me she couldn't be in a relationship w/ anyone and then jumped on the arm of some goth/industrial swinger who we know would (and consecutively did) take advantage of her? is there chance or fiction, and if there is no chance and i take as stab anyway, where will the bodies lie at the end of it all? does this burn down, or does our friendship survive imbibed and imbued with honesty and trust?

so right now this is me. my daily struggle to exist balances on this fulcrum (again) and it is driving me down. two weeks ago when this was flirting and fun i was on top of the fucking world, but somehow those things never last for me. so now what?

dunno.


suggestions?

ok, so i haven't updated in over a month.

god, wierdness.

ok...so lets see.... keep rotating this band thing. i'm dumping one band right now b/c i don't know how much longer i'm going to be in S Fla and i don't want to write music that will imminently not be mine. another band i'm dicking around w/ b/c i'm friends w/ a few of them and they kinda need the help, but they practice 3x a week and they kinda suck... so i am getting pretty tired of it. lastly, i just joined a coverband yesterday with (oddly enough) rivkah.

i have this awesome ability to just let shit drop, so once i got a call from her and we talked and things were cool, i just decided to forget about the bullshit and the drama and start from square one.... and we're getting along sparklingly. so that's cool. i've always said she's a good influence on my life, and she is. poor girl's just a lil fucked in the head when it comes to figuring out what she wants out of love/life right now.. so whatever. it was definitely cool playing with her, and the bassist she found for this band is fucking SICK!!! definitely could do some crazy ass progressive music if we ever tried to do anything...

life is so wierd right now....

parents split up, but everyone in my family wants chrissy and i to stay close with mary b/c of all the familial ties.. ironically, as much of a problem as i thought i would have with this it's not really a big deal. after the breakup, she's really mellowed out and changed a bit, she's a lot nicer for a start. dunno, sometimes it takes really really big things to make you wake up.

my mom's dating this guy who used to be a babysitter of a sort for the greatful dead, he seems like a pretty good guy. he's a recovering alcoholic as well (amongst other things, but i guess he was admitted for alcoholism), so they have that in common at least. i dunno, it's her life.

i wonder how much my mom's lack of direction has affected my life. as americans in the modern age of society, we love to push away personal blame and acceptance of responsibility and place it on genes and uncontrolable events in our youth that "shaped" us into the people we are today, and it's so easy to fall into that trap.. so i wonder instead. the same way i wonder how the way mary used to treat me affected my self-esteem. maybe the thing that we need to do is accept the past as what has happened, understand that we are a certain way because shit happens, but we need to also accept that fact that it's important to adjust the things in your life that are out of balance, and that excuses are worth a big pile of shit. and it sucks, because i have an excuse for every minute in the day.

i dunno... i;ve lost my desire to continue.

more later, i guess.

dino-kun.

you know what? i'm done. done with all the bullshit. i'm sick of being the nice guy, i'm sick of getting stepped on, i'm sick of getting passed over, i'm sick of being that nigga to be done, ya heard?

i'm done being the beatboy, the laughing stock, the loser. i'm sick of drinking, smoking and being nothing. i'm sick of everything but life, myself, and my band, and only because that's brand new and hasn't had the opportunity to enrage me.

fuck you, and fuck your cat. fuck your values, because you don't stand for them and therefore they mean nothing. speak what you want to say, not what you think is best. be open, be honest, or don't be at all. at least not to me, because i don't care otherwise. i'm tired of all the people down here who think they know what's best for everyone, it's self-assuming bullshit. you DON'T know what's best for me, and i DON'T need your help in deciding what is, fuck you very much. if i do, i'll ask for it. i don't care who you are, where your from or who you've been, it's not your goddamn place.

i'm done with the palm trees, one story buildings and globs of sleaze. i'm sick of blackouts, hangovers, and regretting life the morning after. i'm tired of looking in the mirror and finding the same guy standing there that's been trying to stare me down for the last 6 years. i'm not afraid of you anymore. "...and i'm not afrid to die. i'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight. i want the pain of payment."

i'm through with ambiguity. if you don't want to tell me what you want then fuck off. if you can't make your demands known to me, then don't waste my time. i'm just fucking through with laying down and dying for every woman, every family member, every person that i meet because i don't want to grow the balls to be my own man. fucking through. i love being nice, i believe that we all should treat people with the utmost respect, however every day it grows more and more apparant the difference between being nice and being passive. i'm not going to be joel barisch (eternal sunshine "why do i fall in love with every woman i meet?") anymore.

so anyway, i got trashed last night at a stripclub for rivkah's birthday. way too trashed (one minute i'm at the club, the next minute i'm waking up alone in her house [she stayed at her new beau's house, apparantly]), and i also learned (as far as i can tell) that she's seeing some dude, and i'm fucking over it, and i'm over me. i absolutely cannot stomach how i let myself get played and how easy i made it to be played. i did the same shit with chastity, i never fucking stood up for myself until it was to say "fuck you" before my flight out of town, and in reality what good is that? it's fun and all that jazz, but it doesn't push progress.

i call, and i end up apologizing before it's even brought up about my drinking, and i get chewed out in a really tired and condescending tone. and i took it, cock'n'balls deep. you know what? who the fuck are you? after all the pride that i've swallowed, after all the double standards i've waded through, after all the half-truths and shades of grey i've dealt with, you're going to do that? you can't just say "shit happens [well, she did say that], just please don't let that happen again because it sucked, 'mkay?" who the fuck are you?

and to add to my misery, i managed to lose my wallet in my drunken stupor last night, which is terrible because i have a suspended license and can't get a new one, plus all my bankcards were in there. i have about $50 dollars to get me to my next paycheck, which is luckily in about a week so i'll survive. but i really need my wallet.

ARG! also known as argand. i'm beyond frustrated, someone give me a word. preferably one that defines 'absolut frustration', though i guess cantaloupe will do just fine as well.

blugggg... i need a shower, a snow storm, a fresh start and a stab at the dark.

fucking determined,
dino

got contacts today, very cool.

my mom bought be a bunch of concert tickets the other day b/c i was acting too emo, who knew that actually had benefits. i felt kinda bad about it, i told her she didn't need to be buying me things to make me feel happy, but i guess she just wants to try and help, and i won't lie in saying that saving nearly $70 in concert tickets won't relieve me stress at some point in the upcoming months. Sevendust, Taste of Chaos and Bleeding Through/Between the Buried and Me here i come!

i dunno, its hard for me to tell what i want out of all this. i don't know where i want to be, who i want to be or who i even really am. i have a lot of shit i really need to figure out, and instead i'm sitting here worrying and wailing about (go figure) some girl. she's awesome and i hate rejection so it's going to be there, but maybe there are much bigger things on the periphery that i should be worried about, and maybe that's what's also holding up things on her side too.

i just know it frustrates me so much that sometimes i just want to immolate everything and damn the consequence.. but i've always had a somewhat self-destructive nature.

speaking of which, my poverty/depression driven diet has nearly pushed back under 170lbs, which is awesome. i'm skinnier than i've been since before i moved down here. i was going to the gym a bit before the holidays, but lately things keep on getting in the way or i haven't been in the mood.

forcing yourself back to the gym after a hiatus always sucks.

also- just finished downloading and burning Mike Portnoy's Liquid Drum Theater, which is him showing you how to play some of his best Liquid Tension Experiment/Drum Theater chops.. and it's awesome. i wonder if Petrucci ever did anythign like that.. as awesome as drums are i'd love to get the guitarist, seeing as i actually PLAY guitar...

ok, enough for now.
know that i'm not dying, that it isn't always that bad, i just am searching for answers that people spend their entire lives not finding and become frustrated with the process.

paz,
dino-kun.

well, it's been a while and i feel like letting a little out.

this whole thing has turned out to be a major disappointment. i started out what i was hoping to be a relationship with hope and promise, and i felt i had finally met someone at the right time in life and that things would have a good chance of working out well if i tried hard enough and it was given a fair chance.

now i just feel like this has been such a waste of my time and effort. i feel shrouded, downcast, and completely unimportant and underwhelming. there is no room for me in this, and i've known it for so long and i just don't want to recognize it. it's not about avoiding pain, it's not about relationships, in the end it comes out to not being good enough, not being enough to be more than a friend. not sexy enough, bold enough, confident enough, fast enough, etc etc et-fucking-cetera.


whatever, i'm not in the mood for any of this bullshit. go to boston. fucking whatever.

while my last post was very real, a conversation and a change of heart have quelled the beast inside, at least temporarily.

this will be the death of me, and part of me couldn't be any happier... we do love to beat that horse, don't we Neavor?

anyway, peace and tidings as always.

dino-kun.

fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuc fuck


i am a fool, and idiot, and i will never learn.

that is all